ooh…my very own blog spot.
So we laugh, so we smile, and play our games of sweet denial…
I don’t even really like that song (We’re Forgiven – The Calling)…I just feel like I can relate to that phrase somehow. Everything’s been kinda unreal…
There’s no use in denying it anymore. But aren’t we all kinda fake sometimes?
I don’t know if it’s school or some bigger issue. I’m glad exams are over, but I know they didn’t go well.
Nicole and I hung out today…i’ve known her for 12/13 years…I’m glad to know that some things, some friendships don’t change..
here’s a poem i wrote last week.
[Untitled]
My mind draws a blank
And my body is numb
I don’t know how to feel anymore
It’s like watching yourself
From the outside looking in
Watching yourself fall into a pit of darkness
I’m screaming, screaming at the top of my lungs
but no one hears me
i can’t even save myself
Why?? Why is this happening?
When did I become so alone?
I question if you care
I can’t do this anymore
I’m tired of wearing this mask
My burdens are heavy, my sins are many
I lay them at your feet.
ALEX, if you are reading this. You shouldn’t be. *GOD IS WATCHING*
Thanks Garry for your encouragement. 
….surprise surprise, he’s right again.
It’s hard to believe in yourself sometimes. It’s hard to let go of the fear of failure. I’m searching for a reason to be.
*sighs*
reality stinks. got exams back today…they WEREN’T so great. what is WRONG with me this year??????????????????????????????????????
Well she just wanders around
unaffected by
the winter winds, yeah
and she’ll pretend that
well she’s somewhere else
so far and clear
about 2,000 miles from here
if taylor finds a better world
then taylor’s gonna run away
i don’t have it in me. maybe i never did. i’m so depressed. *sighs*
what happened to the old me? are there things that you wish you could change about yourself? maybe it’s because of my upbringing, but i’m frequently blunt and rude when i talk.
…and i always end up regretting what i say.
i’m such a mess.
k, grades are slipping, friends are nonexistent, can’t hear/sense God….
and why am i doing TC captaining? i don’t feel right w/ God. *sighs* that and i keep getting fatter and fatter…
stress makes me eat=/
things i want to do in life…
- Get married
- Be a mother
- Go scuba diving
- Learn to swim
- Climb a Mountain
- Write a book
- Write a song
- Watch a sunrise
- Travel
- Go to Disney Land
- Go to Notting Hill
- Learn to play cello
***
=)
i’ve gotten over it, ladies and gentlemen. we’re friends and i’m happy with that.
hm…feb 14th….ST. Valentine’s Day…3, 5, 7, 9, would you be my Valentine? I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine…3, 5, 7, 9.
it never ceases to amaze me, how people let you down. gr 12 has been one sick ride so far, and i’ve learned many sad lessons. The most painful being that nobody really cares. You think that you can count on family, friends….but when the tough times come, where are they? Everyone is so wrapped in their own lives they just forget about the needs of other ppl.
but i know i shouldn’t say that, cuz i’ve been guilty of being self-centered too.
i just feel like i haven’t got a friend in this world. hey God, what do you think?
…playing guitar until your fingers peel.
i’m not depressed, i’m just a teenager.
responsibilities. it seems like i have too many. when i’m at home, i’m expected to help out around the house. oooookay. that’s fine. i try to help out where i can….but if i were to make my parents truly happy…if i were to do all that they expect me to do, i’d never rest, i’d never be able to do anything. school is crazy enough already, and on top of that i have clubs and things to do in church.
why can’t THEY understand that? i can barely look after myself, i don’t need the extra load that comes with family. that’s why i want to leave for uni so so bad. call me a quitter, i just can’t deal with everything.
i fall too fast and feel too much.
predestination…do you believe in it? how much of a role do we play in our lives? are we just some puppets, marionettes?
if God knew me even before I was in my mother’s womb, and knew all the trials and temptations I would endure…and if He knows all that I will do and not do, what’s the point? If God lets us choose to love Him or not, but also knows our ultimate decision, does that mean that He creates people that are truly damned?
But that’s so against His nature…Why would a loving God do that? It doesn’t make sense.
i’m feeling miserable. and i don’t know why. i wish all my stress and problems would just go away.
i’m going against the wind. upstream. against the current
[Needing You]
Father, You are my shelter
You are my place to rest and hide
Father, You’re my creator
You are the one who gives me life
PRE-CHORUS:
I can’t live without You, not even for a day
Laying down my pride I simply say,
CHORUS:
“I am needing You,
And I’ll be needing You a lifetime long,”
I am needing You,
As I offer up this fragile song.
In my weakness You are strong.
i’ll be needing You a lifetime long..
tick, tick, tick…
sitting still
it’s passing me by
i see flashes…memories of the past
a whirlwood of emotions
each one different
coloured, representing a special moment
Inexplicably beautiful
chaotic but coherent
obstinately, i grab hold of time
but it slips through my fingers
i guess
it was never mine to hold
okay, what happened to parents discplining, RAISING their kids?
as i walked home today, there were 3 kids…6 or 7 years old tops. And they were screaming racist comments at people walking by, like they were tough or something. “hey you WHITE girl over there…do you think you’re tough…damn teenagers think they’re all that.”
:@
I got an offer of admission from the University of Western Ontario yesterday…even though the marks haven’t gone yet (they go in next thursday)
hm…but they might send me a letter of rejection once they see my marks THIS yr. *still* don’t know why i haven’t been able to focus this yr. i don’t even have that much on my plate. 3 sci, 1 math, eng, rackets sports, food and nutrition, music.
only wind ensemble, hospital, worship team…bmc SOMETIMES. why am i so stressed?
anyways, here’s a song: [still dreaming of things i shouldn't be dreaming of]
Ninety miles outside Chicago,
Can’t stop driving, I don’t know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you’re still on my mind
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the titanic cry?
Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I’m speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time
Tonight
Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday we’ll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watch the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me
Tonight?
Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday we’ll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you
spinning around and around
looking for an escape
trying to find a way out
don’t want to play this game anymore
voices echoing in my head
ringing with words i’ve heard before
trying so hard to forget
don’t want to want anymore
colliding colours, events,
seeking reason and coherence
trying to make sense of everything
i want to stop this feeling
but no matter how hard i try
i can’t stop the yearning
spinning around and around
looking for an escape
trying to find a way out
don’t want to play this game anymore
cuz i know you’re out of reach..
sorry can’t take back the words you said.
man i’m moody. guess it’s that time soon =S
I’m so mad at everything…why can’t God give me wisdom? I shouldn’t blame God, I shouldn’t be so angry. But why can’t I be smart??? Why do I not understand anything this yr? Why is school just so PAINFUL? Why does everything have to be so hard??? I know it’s the “attitude” that counts. But I’m so fed up with waiting tho…waiting for something to happen, for my brain to kick in.
*sighs* what’s the point anyways?!
so it all breaks down. it’s so sad how i try so hard yet it all falls apart. i went home after lunch today. ms. enright noticed me looking kinda “pinkish” so i took the opportunity to sign out and NOT do the test. i’m such a failure. i can’t even face physics anymore. i gave up studying last night… i don’t know how to explain it, it’s just so hard.
oh no…don’t tell me it’s happened again. How can I be so blind? I’m so naive about things like this. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate guys.
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I’ll be captivated, I’ll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
**I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder
I’ll be love suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You’re my survival, you’re my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up in the trappings of love
I’ll be captivated, I’ll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above**
I’ve dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing you said **
