princess paupr’s Reflections

So many scattered thoughts…I don’t know how to make sense of them.

I’ve recently discovered how I like to just “get through” things in life. “I just need to get through high school, and then I’ll be in University….I just need to get through this week, first year, this summer, harmony 4 lessons and then I’ll be okay…” Even with singleness — i think I view it as a stage I just need to get through. Except I think this is the wrong attitude to have. Instead of enjoying the moment, I just try to hurry things along until that glorious day when I can relax and hopefully enjoy myself and be happy. What if that day never comes? It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.. I just don’t want to look back at my life and have regretted not spending time where it really matters.

I find myself smiling at Michael more now…even though it’s hard to love a kid who throws tantrums ALL the time, drools, BITES kids, calls me a monster…I think God is letting me see things more from His point of view. Only He can see all our iniquities and still love us…One of my favourite quotes is “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-loved for ourselves or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”

I sometimes wonder whether I do things out of fear or because I’m brave. It seems like it’s impossible to mix up the two…they’re the extremes. I wonder why I try so hard to be different. I wonder why I try to break myself (not physically) - to take away the things I love. Am I doing this to truly “put God first”, or just to test my limits?

I had Dim Sum with my aunt and cousins this past saturday…They live maybe 25 minutes away, but it’s rare that we get together. I feel like my cousins are growing up SO FAST. (They’re aged 11 and 9; Jessica and Ernest). Jessica is almost as tall as me already… She tells me about the boy she has a crush on at school (he has 4 other girls after him)…She tells me how she likes anime and Athruna is “SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute”. But I worry about her…. It scares me because all the gadgets and toys and music that I had in my teens, she’s already being exposed to it at her age. She’s listening to “In the Club”, Nelly, Linkin’ Park.. I don’t know how they get their hands on this stuff=/ I really hope that she won’t be swayed by the media and it’s warped messages. *sigh* For some reason or another, she “respects” me and looks up to me…I guess they’re tough shoes to fill..But I never had an older sister growing up. And if I did…I think I wouldn’t have made some mistakes I’ve made.

I feel really guilty…Even though I was really bitter about being neglected, I never wanted to see him get hurt. He’s my brother after all. Maybe (and hopefully, for his sake), it’s too early to be sad.