I am my own worst enemy..
I remember gr 12 was a really difficult year (spiritually and emotionally). I struggled with “voices” that told me I was smart enough or good enough. (I’ve never “heard” the voices, but sometimes my thoughts were so loud it was like I could almost hear them.) I was frustrated because it all seemed hopeless - no matter how hard I tried, I would still fall short my own expectations. I know now, that I probably had/have crazy high and unreasonable expectations.. Anyways, it got to the point where I thought really negative things about myself…I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was facing spiritual battles. Satan was trying to tell me stuff like “if you don’t make it into Mac Health Sci then you’ll be a failure to your parents, yourself and you’ll be shamed… What? If you can’t do well on this math problem, how can you expect to do well in university?” I remember crying DURING a calculus test because I couldn’t stop telling myself “you’re so stupid…why don’t you understand? you can’t do anything right…”
It’s sometimes really hard for me to NOT be negative. It takes all my willpower to stop those thoughts before they “consume” me. What’s more, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself…pitying yourself. But thinking negatively about myself and the situation will do no one (especially myself) any good. In a way, my stubborness to lean on God and ask him for help is a bit like saying “God, I can’t do this (whatever the difficult task is) and I don’t believe you can either”.
I still struggle with thoughts that I know aren’t glorifying to God…At times like these, I have to stop listening to depressing music (Linkin’ Park, Fort Minor etc)…and I have to hang on to truth…”Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things” (Phil 4:8)
There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less.
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