princess paupr’s Reflections

Yesterday night, I finally sat down to reflect on my Urbana experience…Right after Urbana I had to move back to Waterloo for school, and the first weeks of school are always crazy busy, just with settling in and getting back into “study mode”.

When people ask me how I found Urbana, I usually tell them it was a good experience..and that it was very “thought-provoking”. Many of the speakers, seminars, skits and just conversations with people made me think more deeply about different issues. I think one of the big things I was challenged to think about was missions in a global sense - to pray in faith for God’s word to be spread all around the world. I am often so stuck on my own “problems” that I fail to see God work. Instead of caring about injustices such as poverty, famine, AIDS, (child) prostitution, sex-trade, etc…I think about how I’m gonna fail my stats quiz. I italicized “in faith” because I have a lot of trouble praying and believing that God hears me. Looking deeper, I realize that this comes from a misconception about God’s character. Instead of seeing God as a loving God who is crazy in love with me, I often see God as an angry, punitive God who will withhold his blessings if I don’t do things HIS way.

There are quite a few “practical” things I learned/was reminded about at Urbana…

God’s grace is a synonym for joy
I often do not exhibit the fruit of “joy” in my life…As mentioned several times before, I really struggle with is trusting God with my studies. You might think that I would be confident about school by now, since I have successful completed 4 terms already. But I feel like it really is a fluke… I always wish that God would make me smarter, so I wouldn’t struggle so much, so that I could spend more time caring for people and trying to make a difference on campus. Maybe this is God’s way of keeping my head screwed on to my shoulders…if I were smarter, I wouldn’t rely on God for help. In any case, I think as a Christian student, my life should exude joy, even when the going gets tough. I feel like I have failed to shine many times because I worry as much as someone who does not have the peace of God in their heart. Please pray that I would be able to lay down my pride EVERYDAY - to realize accomplishments and good marks are not what He desires. I long to be transformed into someone who really is joyful.

Making God too small
The other day, I was really encouraged through a sister and friend of mine. She told me about how she’s going to a short term mission’s trip to China this summer. This was not an easy decision for her to make…one consequence was that her parents cut her off (financially). However she is still faithful and trusts that God will provide. She is in coop like me, but is trusting that God will provide a job that begins after she comes back from China. Isn’t that so amazing?! I feel like I often dream very tiny dreams…I dream things that I can do with my own power, with very little faith. Ie: planning something that is very “feasible”. I lack the FBI - faith based imagination. Lord, please help me to dream big for you! To belive that you are a God that can do immeasurably more than we can ever ask for and can imagine…

Jesus Christ is our peace
Something that really spoke to me at Urbana was the need for reconciliation between racial groups in the body of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace (Eph 2:14-15). Jesus Christ came to die in our place, but also so that we could be reconciled with one another. I’ve been thinking and praying more about fellowships. Those who know me know that I have struggled with the issue of racially segregated churches and fellowships. Growing up in a Chinese church, I am comfortable worshipping with other CBCs. Going to an almost completely caucasian fellowship WCF was very uncomfortable. Perhaps in some ways, I am afraid they will look down on me because I am Chinese. I grew up being made fun of because of my background…I live in a pretty “black” community. Anyways, I went to Campus for Christ fellowship last week and I felt pretty at home and “refreshed” too, after the night was over. I am afraid of leaving CCF because most of my close friends go there and because I’m afraid I won’t be able to develop the same deep friendships at C4C. Please pray for me…I also desire to know what true fellowship looks like and I want to stop being so wishy-washy and decide once where I should be.

Maturity means interdependence, not independence
Although the speaker was talking about the church in the south still needing the church in the west, I think that this idea can be applied to our own lives as Christians. Without accountability and support of brothers and sisters, there is no one to help us get up when we fall. I’m not sure if at some point, interdependence becomes overly “dependent”. Indeed we should spur each other on in our walks, but we shouldn’t rely fully on other ppl? Hmm…

How I see myself
Something that Ajith (the speaker who exposited Ephesians) said that spoke to me was “God gives us his righteousness - it is just as if we’ve never sinned!” God sees us as pure and clean… Isn’t that awesome?! I can’t fully wrap my mind around it…because we are imperfect, and he is still working at us to achieve perfection (that really we can never attain because we are still human). He sees us as clean…yet he sees the unclean in us..? Anyways, the point is, I should see myself as “clean” because when I do, I will want to remain clean.

Faith versus Clarity
I often pray that God would make his will clear to me…that he would show me in a very evident way, what he wants. And then I am frustrated when I’m not sure what it is he wants. Rick Warren’s wife (I forget her name) said that “If you have (complete) clarity, where does faith come in?” Of course that doesn’t mean we walk in the darkness, just guessing at what God’s will is for us - God has given us the Holy Spirit and the bible is a basic instruction manual. I guess what she’s getting at is, God gives us just enough information in a given time so that we will trust Him and not ourselves. God’s will is like a polaroid picture…when you first take it, you can’t see the details of the picture. But slowly in time, you begin to see bits and pieces of the big picture.

Commitments I made
-To befriend someone of a different culture
-To share my faith with someone in a different culture
-To go on a cross-cultural missions trip for 1-3 years (this one is going to need a uber amount of prayer)

So those were the main practical things I got out of Urbana. It’s actually a really good thing to blog all that I experienced because it makes me think. I have a calling, I have a purpose, for my life… Yes, Lord! I want to be used by You…I want to be an instrument of your peace. I don’t want to settle for mediocracy, for “normal”, for what is “safe”.