Another reason why I am messed up.
So lately I’ve been feeling really emotionally and physically and spiritually exhausted. Emotionally, because I’m rollercoastering between feelings of bitterness, anger, spite (esp with my family), and of good warm feelings at other times. Physically, because I haven’t been getting enough rest/sleep. Spiritually, because I haven’t been actively seeking and experiencing God’s presence.
And why is all this happening?
I guess sometimes I try so hard to make everyone happy. I try to please people and not so much God. I try to win people over to see me as something I’m really not. I want people to see the good side of me…the caring side, the considerate side, the “gwai lui” side, the happy-go-lucky side. The only people I really take stuff out on is probably my family, so sucks for them. I try so hard because I hate to fail.
I’m so tired of pleasing people. Pleasing people sucks. It hurts my brain. It’s constantly thinking about what others expect you to be like, and then trying to fit that mold. I worry about what Gordon’s parents think of me. I worry about what my friends/family think of me - whether they think “Oh Jacq doesn’t care about us cuz she’s in a relationship now”. I worry about what Gordon thinks “oh Jacq only cares about what her family/friends think”. I worry about what God thinks of me. Except that one always seems easier to push away/ignore. Until I’m hit hard. God has a way of getting your attention.
Maybe it’s also because I’m hypercritical of other people. (That’s my 3rd reason to “why I’m really messed up”). I judge when I should not. I only see the outside and I make assumptions about the rest. I find a way to make others smaller to make me bigger. I try to cover up how small I feel.
I’m not looking for pity, I’m not writing this so you feel really sorry for me. I need to flesh out my thoughts because it’s all been pretty well hidden and well…I need to do it. I just do.
Because here’s the thing…I am here to serve GOD not people…I answer to GOD, not to man. I am loved, accepted, validated, worthy only because of what Jesus has done on the cross.
So…enough with this pleasing people business.
