There is nothing we can do to make God love us more; there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.
So it’s the end of the second week of classes for me and I’m already really behind in my readings. Time to play catch up.
Lately I’ve been harbouring hateful/unpleasant feelings towards some people…I’m just really frustrated because I don’t like to be dropped. I don’t know if people know that how they are behaving is actually hurtful. I’m also tired of doing the confronting.
Why the heck do I still care?
It has recently dawned on me that I can be considered a “4th year”. Now I remember pretty clearly the first time I walked onto campus…it really doesn’t seem too long ago. The 4th year students I met exuded a sort of confidence/self-assurance that they knew what they were doing…while I myself was trying to hide my insecurities as a froshie.
If there’s anything I appreciated about the upper years, it was that they took the time to care. I remember them being so willing to drive me around to the mall etc..They’d also come study with me (to deflect weird guys), cooked for me, bought snacks for me and the other froshies while we crammed for our first set of university exams. I miss those days.
I want and hope to pass on some of that kindness to those around me (not necessarily/exclusively the frosh, but in general to the people I encounter)…I want to be someone who exhibits and pours out love. It’s the first fruit of the spirit and it’s the one thing that Christianity really stresses. We have a God who IS love.
So yeah, I guess my term “goal” is somewhat vague. I just want to love, and remember that I am loved. I want to be someone who takes the time to care, to reach out to those around me instead of always burrying my head in books. But those who know me also know I’m just also very paranoid about doing well in school.
I’m very thankful to know I have a God who uses people who weaklings like me.
Things have got off to a rough start.
I’m on a library computer typing this entry cuz for some strange reason, I can’t connect to the wireless on my laptop - how the heck am i supposed to do my workterm report then? gahh..this sucks much. I was too exhausted to do serious work this afternoon and then I went grocery shopping instead.
And my cell phone just died while I was talking to Clara…
I know I’m not supposed to be complaining so much, but I guess I’m just a little bit upset because my special day is 2 days from now and I know someone won’t be there. Everyone seems too busy anyways…I don’t know…I can keep telling myself it’s not a big deal.
I’m back in the loo now. Things are pretty much the same as how I remembered they were when I left at the end of the term in April…except I didn’t remember the apartment being so grimy and dirty the last time. I don’t have internet hooked up yet - the cable guy is coming in on Monday. It’s funny how much we rely on internet nowadays…I feel lost and out of touch without it.
Anyways, with some sprucing up, I hope our place will be a bit more “homey” 
Do you ever feel that things are so familiar, and yet so foreign? I was scrubbing my bathtub last night, missing the way things were…sort of dreading this coming term. I miss Helen.
And then the feeling came over me - something that I haven’t felt for a while.
(Possibly my favourite Psalm)
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
